One of Those Days

I am sitting here, alone in my room, alone in my home, and I feel as if I could cry.  I'm really not sure why.  I have a lovely home, a loving husband, 3 gorgeous grandchildren and a daughter who is working hard to get her life together.  My business is surviving the worst economy in over 70 years.  What is there to cry about?


I am a crier.  It takes very little for me to tear up - I have been known to cry at dog food commercials because the dog is aging.  This feels different.  There is no logical explanation; that always baffles me and I spend valuable time trying to figure out what is wrong.


JFM went out of town yesterday.  When I am feeling uncertain I get anxious when he leaves.  I know I am perfectly capable of taking care of the house and myself, it is just...well, I like having him here to help me.  He is a big man (tall not fat) with a heart to match.  He irritates me as all husbands do to their wives, but the bottom line is that I depend on his presence in my life. 


This is the last day I will have the house completely to myself.  I am happy that the girls will be living here because I know they will be safe and secure.  I really don't mind.  So, why the emotion?


I think it might boil down to the fear of history repeating itself.  Last time we let our daughter move in things went well for months.  Then one day I came home from work and they were gone; gone back to the environment they had fled a few months earlier.  No goodbyes, no thank yous, they were just gone.  I was devastated.  I think my anxiety is based in the fear that a similar scenario will occur once again.  Like most people I have some abandonment issues and the way the kids were taken away fed right into this problem.


While I know she is their mother and has every right to do as she pleases, I have lived longer and know the ramifications of such actions and can't help worry about the girls, especially Shorts who has been through so much.


So, what's a girl to do?  Live each day as it is presented to me; keep our sanctuary private and pure; love each child deeply no matter where they live; and take lots of weekend vacations!


Hugs to all.