Confessions of a Former Zealot

Like many others who are passionate about something important, I was once so impassioned about my faith in Jesus Christ that I was called a zealot by of all people, my pastor. That should have been a wake up call, but it wasn't.  I got caught up in the "rightness" or "wrongness" of nearly everything. I spent hours and hours in isolation and Bible study.  I agonized over every decision I made in my life; was it what God wanted me to do, say or think? It was paralyzing and I'm sure I scared people away from my presence.


Ten years ago I was heavily involved in the church where I really learned what it means to be a Christian; my first church home. I served on committees, the school board, taught Sunday school, led Bible studies, and was an integral part of beginning a prayer ministry.  When there was a change in pastors everything else changed and I became part of what can be so wrong about the church. I was one of those people who thought she knew better than others and that the my theology was the one and only truth. I kept most of this to myself and to a small group of people who believed the same way I did.  Hiding behind the sanctity of Scripture is a very safe place to reside. Following a contentious meeting with several church leaders, a rumor circulated that I was leaving the church. Rather than denying the rumor, I used it as an excuse to get out of this uncomfortable situation.


We found a church home for a couple of years, then drifted into the pattern of not attending church at all.  I love God, believe in Jesus but did not want to deal with the hurt that comes with the whole church thing. My business opened, my marriage flourished, we have three beautiful granddaughters and a daughter, all of whom are healthy and happy. I pray; and not just when I am in trouble. I read my Bible - not regularly. And I continued to believe that I could never walk back through the doors of my church home because "everybody" knew what had happened ten years ago and I couldn't face the rejection. Although I was sensitive to the pull of the Holy Spirit to come home, my anxiety and self will were firmly in control.


What I learned during these years is that God's love goes where we go. He never abandons us no matter how far we stray. I believe Scripture is God's Holy Word written by men inspired by the Holy Spirit, but I am no longer afraid of those who have a different theology than mine. I have learned that God is so big that our finite human brains cannot even begin to comprehend Him and I no longer use Scripture as something to hide behind or a tool to judge others. I told myself that nothing can take away God's love or my salvation.  Once intellectual knowledge these truths are now part of my experiential walk with Christ. I believe I am now emotionally and spiritually equipped to return to the fold.


God sent messengers to me. He sent messengers to my husband. He planted seeds. He watered seeds. And there I stood with my feet in cement. One more messenger came in the form of our very good friends and weekly dinner companions.  They dangled the carrot of our first pastor coming back for Mother's Day Sunday. The gauntlet was down. My husband really wanted to attend church and for the first time in all these years my self will came in second to God's will.


Yesterday morning I put on my big girl panties and went in to church with my head held high. What happened during the next hour is something that I will never forget. The music was uplifting and brought me to a place of worship. The first thought I had was "This is for me; coming to church isn't as much about the people as it is the opportunity to come into the presence of God and receive the bounty of His love." I realized how much I missed this time with my Holy Father. The sermon convicted me, encouraged me and helped me understand that I am truly a prodigal daughter of Faith United Methodist Church. And just like the son who came home to the unconditional love of his father, we returned to acceptance and love. The healing of these wounds is now complete.


God is good and I am blessed.

It Is Done, It Is Good

We've done it. 

After what seemed like an endless stream of papers and spending more money in one day than we ever thought possible, we held the keys to our future in our hands. I have been dreaming of a different kind of life, one of our own design rather than one imposed on us by external circumstances. For so long we have lived a reactionary life; now, we are living proactive and on our terms. It feels, well...so grown-up. 

This blog is going to be devoted to this new life and the process of turning our little house into our special home. Not only will I be redecorating but will use the house as a blank canvas for my Unchained Home crochet designs and freeform fiber art. We will also be cooking, gardening, bird watching, and possibly even learning to kayak. There is an active art community in Rockport and I would love to volunteer and get to know like minded art aficionados. 

I have never done a video recording much less upload it to the Internet, but with my handy iPad, I gave it a try. Come on in for a quick tour and then come back often to visit us on the coast.

Welcome Inside Chez Means de la Mer

Our new little home has a sun room that runs the full length of the house. At some point in the history of the house, this room was added and the original brick front is still intact. This is how the previous owner left it; I will turn this into a place where I can relax and create. The light is perfect and I plan to surround myself with books, art and fiber.  Heaven on earth.

We are keeping the bistro set - but I will be using it somewhere else. The wall color, in person, is much darker than it appears here; and while it is a nice color of blue, it is not the look I want, so it will get a coat of paint. The corner to the left of the photo is the perfect nook for my spinning wheel and my hoosier cabinet will fit nicely against that wall. I currently store fiber in it now and there is no reason to change.

This is the other side of the room and shows all the windows that will bring in tons of natural light. The outdoor furniture also stays with the house but will go out to the deck. I haven't decided exactly what I want to do with this side of the room. Possibly our antique breakfast room table; it is a drop leaf with an additional leaf. It will work as a desk, breakfast table, and could accommodate a large group for a meal.  I can also see this at Christmas time - a beautiful tree, garland, twinkling lights...but I'm getting way ahead of myself.  

First things first, sign the papers, get the keys, then launch headlong into the future.  The next post will be the first day of the rest of our lives...trite but true.

Countdown To The Dream - Day 9

Welcome to our little coastal home. Located in the town of Rockport, Texas this is where we will be going to escape, recharge, and get reacquainted. Today the countdown begins; we close next Friday. 

 

This house has many things that I have always wanted in a home. They may seem small, inconsequential to most - but it really is always about the little things isn't it?

A sidewalk that leads right up to the front door is a symbolic welcome home sign. It is traditional, it is a path straight to the heart of the home and it provides many decorating opportunities.  I'm not sure I have ever lived in a house with such an entry. What is the allure? I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it is wanting something I don't have, but I want to think it is more.

The back yard is a nongardener's dream come true. It is low maintenance with a deck and path: a trifecta! I counted a total of sixteen live oak trees on the property - most small, but this one in the backyard is large and provides a great deal of shade.

I have dreamed of a path in the backyard, here at Stately Means Manor. Our hard clay soil combined with St. Augustine grass makes it very difficult to remove sod and create flower beds and pathways. On the coast we have a sandy soil that will be so much easier to deal with. The fact that the previous owner started the process for us makes it even easier.

Rockport is a major stopping place for hummingbird migration and hosts a hummer festival every September. I want my backyard to become famous in hummingbird society - we will party down on all month long. I will be reclining on my deck while they are feasting from the bounty of my garden.

Rediscovering Joy

It happens to me every single time I do it.  Why do I forget?  How could I forget?  How can I be too busy for something that feeds my soul?

What am I talking about?  

Creating.  

The simple act of making something brings joy to my heart.  I love it most when I bring random items together to tell a story, evoke an emotion, or simply bring pleasure to the viewer. 

I have developed an affinity for Victorian-esque statues. I have a dancing man and woman that belonged to my Grandma Woodring and now whenever I find one that makes me stop to look, I generally buy it. I love the colors, and just the dainty beauty the exude.

As we prepare for moving day, I spend many hours looking at my collection of decorating magazines, plotting and planning the look of our little beach home. This will be a new outlet for my need to create. The wonderful thing about creativity in a variety of disciplines - one feeds the others. As I decorate I get ideas for crochet design. Not to mention just spending so much time in a place that is of God's most beautiful creations. More on our little house tomorrow.

Bring a little beauty into your life today - it is the little things that make such a difference.

Hope Springs Eternal

Last year I started 13 posts. Today I still have 13 drafts waiting to meet the world. Some will make it, others will remain private. Reflecting back I found some of the plans came to fruition.  I do not look back in regret; I see where I was, where I went, and now ponder what roads do I want to take in 2012?  Where are you headed this year.  May it be a journey that brings love and purpose to your life.


I started a post about our vacation.  Then I started a post about Christmas.  So much time has passed since all of that that I decided to skip right up to the present.  One of the beautiful things about a blog is being able to record life as it happens.  Thanks to the movie Julie and Julia, one year ago I vowed to blog everyday.  Well, that got me nowhere; when I began to slack I just gave up - my personality in a nutshell.  I realized that I didn't have enough interesting stuff to say everyday.  So, this year, I am trying for a weekly blog entry.  Hope springs eternal.

As I look into the new year I have no idea what will come our way.  On January 1, 2010 I had no idea that by the end of the year we would be sharing our home with our daughter and her three children or that I would be a few signatures away from owning my own home (yes, we own our home, but this time I get to help choose the house!).

I can look into the year and plan what I would like to happen, but only God really knows what will be coming our way.  I plan, but always defer to His wisdom, grace and love.

With that introduction, here is what I hope for, will plan for, and focus on in 2011:

Health for all those I love - I know that is generic and not very creative, but without good health nothing else matters.

I want my grandchildren to have a stable home - this is why I am getting another home, more on that later.

Quality time with my husband.  When we actually have time to ourselves we really have fun - what a refreshing thing to discover.  What has always caused difficulties in our marriage is the outside forces of others impacting us.  Couldn't we just live on an island?

Time and space for creativity.  This is my lifeblood.  If I am not creating I die inside.  

A new home - this is actually the first thing that I hope happens this year.  With this all the above can happen as well.  I have never been a part of choosing the home that I live in.  I chose apartments, but for reasons I will not go into, I have not chosen houses.  I want to choose my "forever house."

Earn money.  For many years now I have gone without earning any money.  I am blessed to have a husband who makes a good living and thus far I have not needed the money.  But, I would really like a monetary reward for my hard work.

I want to give back.  I will find a charity that touches my heart and not only give money but also of my time.  This is an important part of life that I have neglected of late.  Because of my dad, military causes always touch my heart as does hospice - those are amazing people.  And, of course there are the animals, the creatures God entrusted to our care and are so often neglected and abused by people.  I can't adopt them all (maybe a new kitty for the new house), but I can find ways to help.

Well, those are my hopes and dreams for the new year.  Where will 2011 take us?  Only God knows for sure.  See you same time next year and we'll compare notes.  

God bless us one and all.

Before The Rush

It is Thanksgiving eve, and in homes across the country, the mad rush in the kitchen is about  to begin.

I will post pictures of our first annual Thanksgiving breakfast on Friday, but for now I want to focus on life and the things for which I am grateful.

A couple of weeks ago I had breakfast with a good friend and very wise observer of the human spirit.  As we were discussing life and what we want from it, he asked me a very interesting question.  He asked, "What have you always wanted to do?"  I went to the typical answers - "Well, at first I wanted to be a teacher, then I wanted to be an interior designer."  He clarified, "No, what have you always wanted, what is your purpose in life?"  I had a classic light bulb moment - without hesitation I said, "All I ever wanted to be is a wife and mother."

I have spent more than half my life as a wife, but I never was able to be a mother.  At least not in the biological sense.  Without hesitation he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "There's your answer.  The kids (my 3 granddaughters) are living in your home for your sake."  I never thought about our living arrangement like that before.  I saw allowing my stepdaughter and her young girls to live with us as a favor to her.  What my friend showed me is that God is allowing me to experience that one thing I always wanted but never got.

Suddenly the screaming at 5:00 in the morning because Savannah doesn't want to wear shoes isn't the worst thing in the world.  The peace and quiet I claim to want is really the sound of emptiness.  The toys on the floor, sippy cups everywhere, and girl emotional outbursts are just a part of the life I am being allowed to experience.  The scales have been removed and I see life through new eyes.  Thank you, sweet friend.

So, this year I am especially thankful for my noisy family.  I have the privilege of helping to raise my grandchildren.  I get hugs every night, I see the minute changes that happen to children every day as they begin to discover the world around them.  What a gift.